When I was little I never understood why the older brother rejected the younger; saying that the younger couldn’t enter heaven and was undeserving of God’s love. I thought who would prevent someone from entering heaven? What Christian would say Jesus didn’t die for you? Who would deny someone their salvation? This piece was a first attempt at understanding and unpacking that; at trying to discover what tears families apart, what is love, who is God, how can you love in the face of unforgiveness, at what point does hurt turn into hate? I am older and queerer now. I still find it hard to comprehend barring the gates of heaven. I mean why would they when it’s easier to gatekeep church instead. I’ve been rejected in churches, by friends and strangers, but God never rejected me, nor prayer or scripture. The questions I initially asked when I first wrote this have changed dramatically and remain basically the same. Who are you to say that I am unlovable, unforgivable, and unwanted? Is that in fact your own fear? “Returning hate for hate multiplies hate…” I will not deny my own forgiveness by denying forgiveness. Will you?