February 28, 2019

Do I Have Control Over My Life?

Fergus McQueenie, 22

Do I have any say in what I do with my life? It often feels I am simply the duality of conscious and unconscious urges that continuously contradict each other and leave me in a state of almost perpetual lethargic distress. I often believe the world laughs at me from inside and out because I am everything and nothing; simple yet incomprehensible, specific yet out of place in all places. Like a Thoracopagus conjoined twin, I am fused via the heart between moral rights and wrongs; defined by the positive and negative decisions I make at every single turn. My consciousness feels deeply unnatural, like imprisonment in an unsolvable puzzle. All I can do is continue with faith that I will arrive somewhere, for that is the only concept my swirling mind can grasp; the only remedy to a state without understanding: movement.

In this piece, I am trying to vicariously meld with the music, for the music has an intricate structure I can understand, love and respect. I am caught in the middle between creative intoxication and my weary reality; the illusion of control.

Depression, frustration and the haunting fear of my past, present & future drive me forwards.